Last week we had our fourth trip in an ambulance in the last 23 months. After a delightful evening where I made labneh (everyone, make your own labneh, it’s life changing, actually, I’m putting a recipe at the bottom of this, but you barely need one, it’s laughably easy) I ended up with a toddler who couldn’t breathe.
Very rarely these days do I lament being a single parent, I get lots of help and I quite enjoy the chunks of solo time that Margot and I have together. But one time where I really do feel it is when either of us is unwell, especially in the night. It would be nice to have someone equally biologically invested in her survival to look at at 3am and say ‘Do you think we need to go to hospital?’
I never had that because my ex was never present to offer it, so I quickly learned that 111 was the best replacement option. But of course they always say to go to hospital, and they always send an ambulance, so within half an hour I’d shoved half my belongings into a bag and we were opening the door to some charming and wildly attractive paramedics (is it just me or are a lot of paramedics extremely good looking?) They came with the crew of 24 hours in A&E who asked if they could film us. I said no, because I don’t put my daughter’s face on social media which has probably cost me at least some freebies from brands, so I’m not having the beeb benefit from her. I then felt very guilty about it and apologised profusely, then inexplicably lied and said I worked at Sky News, as if that was going to make them like me.
Anyway, we got given the Big Girl Drugs, stayed at the hospital for 18 hours, my parents arrived bringing fresh fruit, home baked biscuits, books, toys and clean clothes which were much needed because Margot was sick on me within moments of our arrival (right into my crotch) so I spent most of our stay wearing a donated pair of men’s pyjamas). In a time period which involved watching my child struggle to breathe, those grey men’s jersey mid-length shorts were arguably the worst thing that happened.
Margot was born in April 2022, and we had our first emergency hospital stay nine days after she was born. It was the most frightening thing that had ever happened to me. My clothes were filthy and my ex had declined to bring me clean ones, I didn’t want anyone to know how bad my marriage was so I just walked around in the same underwear and contact lenses for two days. I can still see myself, out of body, walking around the hospital holding a tiny baby with a catheter in her hand, singing Edelweiss to her over and over again because I couldn’t think what else to do, wishing I had someone else to share it with. Only, it turns out I didn’t need anyone to share it with, and increasingly I think it’s been the privilege of my life that I didn’t have that.
Back in 2024, once I’d been asked several times if I had a medical background, which we all know is doctor speak for ‘please stop using medical terms you don’t understand’ the very nice doctors let us go home. My parents drove us back, the radio was on, the sun was shining, windows down, and I thought how easy it had all been. How calm I’d felt and how I’d believed entirely in my ability to make sure things were going to be okay. Turns out, two years in, I’m actually getting pretty good at this parenting thing.
Labneh
Buy some Greek yogurt. I’m inclined to think that an expensive one is best here, probably Fage. Anything really thick. Do not fuck about with the kind of reduced fat stuff your mum bought during the early 2000s.
Put it in a bowl, ideally a nice once which isn’t very big. Mix in minced garlic, a generous pinch of Maldon and some lemon zest. Do use zest rather than juice, we’re trying to take liquid out here. To that end, if you’ve got garlic powder or crystals, use that instead of real garlic, but either is fine.
Mix it up and then dollop it into the centre of a tea towel. Everyone always says ‘a clean tea towel’ but I find that a bit patronising and I trust you not to use one you’ve been drying the dog with. Some people say to use a muslin, but I’ve tried this and the weave is to wide so bits squirt out and it’s a disaster.
Twist the tea towel so that you’ve trapped the labneh inside it, and then keep twisting really hard, like you’re wringing it out. Obviously you want to do this over the sink.
Tiresome recipes want you to then leave it for hours, which is not something I am capable of. Squeeze it for ages, quite hard, then tie it up with an elastic band or a toddler’s hair tie in my case, and leave it tied to the tap while you make the rest of your food. I like to have this with roasted aubergine and a bit of nice bread.
Give it another squeeze, then it’s basically Christmas time, you can gently (very very gently) unwrap him and then tip him into a bowl. It’s best you used the newly washed nice bowl you mixed the yogurt in.
He will come out looking like a ball of mozzarella and you’ll be astonished at your alchemy. Well done you.
Olive oil, but only if you’ve got a really nice one, don’t fuck about with anything mixed from Sainsburys because I’ve done that and it’s worse than nothing. Bit more Maldon, lots of cracked black pepper, and pomegranate seeds because I don’t care if they’re dated, they’re delicious. I’d have liked to put some toasted pistachios on there but I didn’t have any so I didn’t.
Enjoy. Have a bit of a think about the things you’re better at now than you were two year ago. Hopefully don’t end up in A&E.
I don't know your ex but I hate him. I'm also appalled (but not surprised) that 24 hours turned up to film a child in distress without warning. Glad everything was ok in the end, and of course you're a good mum, don't even question it 🫶🏻
A couple of things:
- I don't care how acrimonious things are; you don't leave someone in hospital with dirty clothes and picky contact lenses. I'm sorry you had to go through that. How disappointing.
- Secondly, Rebecca Reid x Ella Risbridger is needed. I'm sure she'd help you with the quantities...