Cringe
After three decades of trying to be cool, I've leaned into the concept of the cringe.
When I was a teenager I really, really, really wanted to be cool. Occasionally I might cheat on the idea of being classically cool with the concept of being mysterious, or academic, or bohemian, but ultimately I wanted to be a lip gloss wearing, highlights having, Regina George style Abercrombie bitch. A hot, mean, bullet proof kind of girl.
Obviously I wasn’t really any of those things. Like most teenagers I was a mix of lots of characteristics, I was clever and bookish and well read, and bitchy and slutty and spoiled, and kind and grounded and day dreamy, depending on the week. But the thing I actually wanted was to be in the Cool Group. For periods of my life I managed it, or at least I managed to cling to the fringes. I was lower tier, sure, but I still got invited to the parties, sat at a fun table at lunch, could plausibly regard myself as part of the gang. Occasionally I’d think that I felt like a scrappy Tudor courtier who’d managed to make their way into the inner sanctum because of their penchant for gossip and manipulation. I didn’t say this out loud because it was a very Not Cool Girl thing to think.
When I left school I moved to London and got into a relationship with a man in his mid-fifties (something I should probably unpack in another post at some point because it’s a bit of a formative story). Suffice to say, I spent a lot of time going to sex parties with people who were between ten and forty years older than I was, and because I was younger people automatically seemed to assume that I was cool. And my God did I love it. People thought that I knew about clothes and music and the best places to go, literally just because I was young. I spent most of 2009 wearing a denim mini skirt and knee socks and my most listened to artist was Carrie Underwood, no-one should have been taking my advice, and yet just by dint of being young, they did, and I revelled in it.
But you’ve got to be very young and very pretty to get away with this facade and by the time I was in my twenties, even at university, the mask had slipped and people my own age were perfectly capable of realising that I was a bit scared of dubstep despite having gone to a lot of sex parties I was actually very nervous to sit alone in the dining room at my Halls. The brief Cool Girl myth was over, and generally speaking the people around me, even the ones who liked me, found me very, very cringe, and given that my favourite night of my university career was when my best friend and I watched The Edge of Love and then took pictures of ourselves smoking like Sienna Miller and Keira Knightly, I don’t blame anyone for thinking it.
Cringe is the opposite of cool. It’s trying really hard. Being really earnest. Telling people that you like things and love things even if they’re widely regarded to be rather tragic. Trying full stop, actually, is quite cringe. And it’s entirely reasonable that people find me cringe because I really am.
I feel everything very intensely and I like to talk about it. If I hear a song with lyrics that remind me of someone, I send it to them immediately. I constantly tell the people in my life how much I like them, how much I love them, how much they’ve changed me and shaped me. I like people from the bottom of my soul and I want to embrace them, I want to cook for them and call them and drop everything if they need anything.
Last week I messaged a friend who I haven’t known that long to say that I’d had the most perfect few days, that I’d hung out with my daughter, my writing partner, my writing partner’s partner, my boyfriend, my boyfriend’s best mate and my boyfriend’s best mate’s girlfriend (if you’re still with me there you deserve an A+ for reading comprehension) and that eighteen months ago none of those people existed in my life, and isn’t that just utterly, perfectly magic? ‘You really like talking about your life’ was the reply, along with an eye roll.
And it’s true, I do. Last week I spent a very happy morning during Margot’s nap time making a TikTok of all my favourite photos from the summer, with a Maisie Peters song in the background. Various of my friends messaged me to tell me how embarrassing it was, and I suppose it would be if I were were willing to be embarrassed about it. But I like the bit where Maisie sings ‘I’m doing better, I made it to September, I can finally breathe’, because it’s how I feel. And I like looking at photos of people and places and things that I love, and reflecting on how much I’ve rebuilt and how much fucking brilliant stuff there is to enjoy in the world, even when you’re tired and stressed and constantly worrying about money. So yeah, I know it’s all very cringe but I’m learning into cringe, rather than out. I’m sharing tacky girly pseudo poetic posts on Instagram, sending ‘you got this mama’ posts to my mum friends, asking for photos in front of beautiful buildings, singing out loud, the whole teeth itchingly embarrassing gamut, and I bloody love it.
Some of the best people are cringe. Patron Saint of women with lots of feelings, Taylor Swift, is very cringe. But ironically (and very conveniently to bring this piece of writing to a neat conclusion) I have realised that there’s a bit of a bell curve on cringe. If you lean in hard enough to being cringe, if you’re very very earnest and very very unfiltered, then it becomes a bit of a bell curve, and actually if you’re cringe enough then maybe you might actually come across as just a little bit cool.
4.
The Thirtieth Word
FIRST MATTER:
In every facet of the motion of all P A R T I C L E S the light of Divine unity shines like the sun. If every particle is not an official of God acting with His permission and under His authority, and if it is not undergoing change within His knowledge and power, then every particle must have infinite knowledge and limitless power; it must have eyes that see everything, a face that looks to all things, and authority over all things. For every particle of the elements acts, or can act, in an orderly fashion in all animate beings. But the order within things and laws according to which they are formed differ from one thing to the next. If their order was not known to the particles, the particles could not act, or even if they could act, they could not act without error. In which case, the particles which are performing their duties in beings are either acting with the permission and at the command, and within the knowledge and at the will, of the owner of an all-encompassing knowledge, or they themselves must have such an all-encompassing knowledge and power.
Yes, all particles of air can enter the bodies of all animate beings, the fruits of all flowers, and the structures of all leaves. They can act within them, although the way the beings are formed is all different and their order and systems quite distinct. As though the factory of a fig were a loom for weaving cloth and the factory of a pomegranate, a machine for producing sugar, and so on; the programmes of their structures and bodies all differ from each other. A particle of air, then, enters or can enter all of them. It takes up its position and acts in a wise and masterly fashion without error. And on completion of its duty it departs. A mobile particle of mobile air, therefore, either must know the forms, shapes, measures, and formations with which plants and animals, and even fruits and flowers, are clothed, or else it must be an official acting under the command and will of one who does know.
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SECOND POINT
In every particle there are two truthful evidences to the existence and unity of the Necessarily Existent One. Indeed, by carrying out its important duties consciously and by raising mighty loads despite being powerless and lifeless, a particle bear decisive witness to the existence of the Necessarily Existent One. And by conforming to the universal order peculiar to each place it enters, and by settling anywhere as though it was its homeland, it testifies to the unity of the Necessarily Existent One and to the oneness of that Being Who is the Owner of all things, with their apparent faces and their inner aspects which look to Him. That is to say, whoever owns the particles must also own all the places it enters.
Thus, since its loads are extremely heavy and its duties endless, the particle demonstrates that it is mobile and acting at the command of One Possessing Absolute Power, and in His name. And, the fact that it conforms as though knowingly to the universal order of the cosmos and enters each place without obstacle shows that it acts through the power and wisdom of a single Being Possessing Absolute Knowledge.
A private soldier has relations with his squad, his company, his battalion, his regiment, and his division, and so on, and has duties in connection with each. Since he knows all those relations and duties, he will act in conformity with them. For, having received training and instruction under military discipline, he complies with the rules and regulations of a single supreme commander who commands all those sections.
In the same way, all particles are suitably placed within compounds, and with every facet of the compounds have different beneficial relations and different well-regulated duties that yield wise results that are all different. It is therefore surely only One in the grasp of whose power is the whole universe who can place the particles in such a way as to preserve all their relations with and duties in all the facets of the compounds, and not spoil the wise results.
For example, a particle located in the eye is suitably placed with regard to the blood-vessels like the arteries and veins, and the motor and sensory nerves, and has a wise and purposeful relationship with the face, and then with the head, the trunk, and with the entire human body, and has beneficial duties in relation to each. This demonstrates that only one who creates all the members of the body will be able to place the particle in that position.
Particles entering the body as sustenance in the caravan of food in particular make their journey with astonishing order and wisdom. On their way, they pass through modes and stages in an orderly manner, and progressing consciously without confusion carry on till they are strained through the four filters in the bodies of animate beings. They are then loaded onto the red blood-corpuscles in order to come to the assistance of the members and cells which are in need of sustenance, rendering this assistance according to a law of generosity. It may be clearly understood from this that the One Who drives these particles and causes them to pass through thousands of different states must of necessity be a Generous Sustainer, a Compassionate Creator, in relation to Whose power particles and stars are equal.
Moreover, all particles act within embroideries of the greatest art and have relations with all the other particles therein. Since each is in a position of both dominance and subjection to all the rest, both to each individually and to all of them generally, it either knows and creates that wonderfully skilful embroidery and wisdom-displaying ornamented art, which is a thousand times impossible, or each of them is a point assigned to that motion, which proceeds from the law of Divine Determining and pen of power of the All-Wise Maker.
For example, if the stones of the dome are not dependent on the command and skill of its architect, all the stones must have skill in the art of building like an architect, and must be either subject to, or dominant over, the rest of the stones. That is, they must have the power to say: “Come, we shall stand shoulder to shoulder in order not to fall and collapse.”
In the same way, if the particles in creatures, which are thousands of times more skilfully fashioned, wonderful, and full of wisdom than the dome , are not dependent on the command of the master builder of the universe, to each of them must the ascribed as many attributes of perfection as those of the universe’s Maker.
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3.
FOURTH TRUTH
The Gate of Generosity and Beauty, the Manifestation of the Names of Generous and Beautiful
Is it at all possible that infinite generosity and liberality, inexhaustible riches, unending treasures, peerless and eternal beauty, flawless and everlasting perfection, should not require the existence of grateful supplicants, yearning spectators and astounded onlookers, all destined to stay an eternity in an abode of bliss, a place of repose? Yes, adorning the face of the world with all these objects of beauty, creating the moon and the sun as its lamps, filling the surface of the earth with the finest varieties of sustenance and thus making it a banquet of bounty, making fruit-trees into so many dishes, and renewing them several times each season — all this shows the existence of infinite generosity and liberality. Such unending liberality and generosity, such inexhaustible treasures of mercy, require the existence of an abode of repose, a place of bliss, that shall be everlasting and contain all desirable objects within it. They also require that those who enjoy such bliss should remain in that abode of repose eternally, without suffering the pain of cessation and separation. For just as the cessation of pain is a form of pleasure, so too the cessation of pleasure is a form of pain, one that such infinite generosity is unwilling to countenance. It requires, then, the existence both of an eternal paradise and of supplicants to abide in it eternally.
Infinite generosity and liberality desire to bestow infinite bounty and infinite kindness. The bestowal of infinite bounty and infinite kindness require in turn infinite gratitude. This necessitates the perpetual existence of those who receive all the kindness so that they can demonstrate their thanks and gratitude for that perpetual bestowal and constant bounty. A petty enjoyment, made bitter by cessation, and lasting for only a brief time, is not compatible with the requirements of generosity and liberality.
Look too at the different regions of the world, each like an exhibition where God’s crafts are displayed. Pay attention to the dominical proclamations in the hands of all the plants and animals on the face of the earth and listen to the prophets and the saints, the heralds of the beauties of dominicality. They unanimously display the flawless perfections of the Glorious Maker by demonstrating His miraculous arts, and thus invite the gazes of men.
The Maker of this world has, then, most important, astounding and secret perfections. It is these He wishes to display by means of His miraculous arts. For secret, flawless perfection wishes to be manifested to those who will appreciate, admire and wonderingly gaze at it. Eternal perfection requires eternal manifestation. Such eternal manifestation in turn requires the perpetual existence of those who are to appreciate and admire it. The value of perfection will always sink in the view of its admirer if he is devoid of perpetual existence. Again, the beauteous, artistic, brilliant and adorned creatures that cover the face of the globe, bear witness to the fairness of a peerless, transcendent beauty, and indicate the subtle charms of an unparalleled, hidden pulchritude, just as sunlight bears witness to the sun. Each manifestation of that sacred, transcendent beauty, indicates the existence of countless hidden treasures in each of God’s Names. Now so exalted, peerless and hidden a beauty, just as it desires to view its own fairness in a mirror and to behold the degrees and measures of its beauty in an animate reflection, desires also to become manifest, in order to look on its own beauty through the eyes of others. That is, it wishes to look at its own beauty in two ways; firstly, by beholding itself in mirrors of variegated colour; secondly, through the gaze of yearning witnesses to itself, of bewildered admirers of its beauty.
In short, beauty and fairness desire to see and be seen. Both of these require the existence of yearning witnesses and bewildered admirers. And since beauty and fairness are eternal and everlasting, their witnesses and admirers must have perpetual life. An eternal beauty can never be satisfied with transient admirers. An admirer condemned to irreversible separation will find his love turning to enmity once he conceives of separation. His admiration will yield to ridicule, his respect to contempt. For just as obstinate man is an enemy to what is unknown to him, so too he is opposed to all that lies beyond his reach, and love that is not infinite will respond to a beauty that deserves unending admiration with implicit enmity, hatred and rejection.
So endless generosity and liberality, peerless fairness and beauty, flawless perfection — all these require the existence of eternally grateful and longing supplicants and admirers. But we see in this hospice of the world that everyone quickly leaves and vanishes, having had only a taste of that generosity, enough to whet his appetite but not to satiate him, and having seen only a dim light coming from the perfection, or rather a faint shadow of its light, without in any way being fully satisfied. It follows, then, that men are going toward a place of eternal joy where all will be bestowed on them in full measure.
In short, just as this world, with all its creatures, decisively demonstrates the existence of the Glorious Maker, so too do His sacred attributes and Names indicate, show and logically require, the existence of the hereafter.
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